When Your Spouse Triggers You (And What to Do About It)

If you’re like most couples (including my husband and me!), your spouse probably triggered you at some point. Triggers in marriage happen when something they say or do sparks a strong emotional reaction—often because it touches an old wound from your past. Keep reading to find some help for when your spouse triggers you.

Maybe how they use a certain tone reminds you of past criticism. Maybe they glance at their phone while you’re pouring your heart out, making you feel unseen. Or maybe it runs deeper—like growing up with a person with alcohol use disorder who exploded in anger, and now, any raised voice instantly puts you on edge. These triggers can hit hard, leaving you feeling hurt, defensive, or even downright angry.

I know this all too well because, in our marriage, I was the one filled with triggers. A certain tone felt accusatory. Looking away, felt dismissive. Certain words made me feel like I wasn’t enough. But here’s the thing—my husband wasn’t the problem. These reactions were tied to old wounds, and neither of us understood what was really happening. My brain, wired to protect me from past pain, was always on high alert, scanning for anything that even slightly resembled past hurt.

And let me tell you, that’s exhausting.

Why Triggers Keep Happening

God designed our brains to protect us from danger. That’s a good thing! But when past pain hijacks that system, it tricks us into reacting to perceived threats that aren’t actually there. This can keep us stuck in unhealthy cycles—responding to our spouses as if they were the ones who hurt us in the past. It’s not just frustrating for them; it’s exhausting for us.

Triggers are going to happen because we live in a broken world where pain exists. The real question is: Will we let them keep us trapped in old wounds, or will we invite Jesus into our healing and find freedom?

How to Handle When Your Spouse Triggers You

So, what do you do when a trigger hits? Here’s where the real work begins:

1. Turn to the Lord Immediately

The moment you feel that emotional surge, stop and ask God to show you what’s happening. What’s really going on beneath the reaction? He knows where you need healing. He is the ultimate Counselor, ready to guide, convict, and restore you.

2. Ask God to Reveal the Root

Often, our triggers aren’t actually about our spouse. They’re about something deeper. Ask God to show you the root cause if you strongly react to something minor. Maybe it’s childhood wounds, past betrayals, or old fears creeping in. Identifying the root is the first step toward healing.

3. Invite Jesus into That Pain

When God reveals a past hurt, don’t shove it aside. Invite Him in. Ask Him to heal the wounds that are still affecting your present. He is a compassionate Father who knows exactly what you need. Healing isn’t about pretending the past didn’t happen—it’s about letting God redeem it.

4. Communicate With Your Spouse

Once you understand what’s happening, calmly talk to your spouse about it. Let them know how certain things make you feel—not in a blaming way, but in a way that fosters understanding. “Hey, when you do this, it makes me feel that because of this past experience.” A loving spouse wants to understand and support you, not intentionally trigger you.

Finding Freedom From Triggers

The next time you’re overwhelmed by a trigger, don’t just pray a broad, generic prayer for healing. Sit with the Lord. Seek Him. Let His light shine into the places you’ve kept hidden—even the ones you didn’t realize were still dark. True healing begins when we invite Him in and surrender to His care.

You don’t have to be controlled by your triggers. With God’s help, you can find healing, break free from old patterns, and build a stronger, healthier marriage.

It’s Your Turn!

Now, I’d love to hear from you! Have you ever experienced triggers in marriage? How do you handle them? Drop a comment below, and let’s encourage each other on this journey!